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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29853285">Saved Draft</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ty_Marri/pseuds/Ty_Marri'>Ty_Marri</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stay Still [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Check Please! (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anger, Healing, Internalized Homophobia, Jack Zimmermann's Overdose, Lashing Out, M/M, References to Depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:47:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>862</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29853285</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ty_Marri/pseuds/Ty_Marri</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack's therapist recommended that he start writing letters to help him work through his feelings after the overdose. She never said to save them. </p><p>A collection of letters written from 2010-2011 to one Kent Parson.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kent "Parse" Parson/Jack Zimmermann</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stay Still [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/805098</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Saved Draft</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! It's been a minute since I have really written anything, because, well 2020 hit hard and there was zero creativity springing forth from this author. But, now I am back! </p><p>This takes place in my Stay Still universe, but this can be read as a one shot. </p><p> </p><p>Trigger Warnings: There are oblique mentions to Jack's overdose, implications of internalized homophobia</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>[Saved Draft] August 5,2009</b>
</p><p>I still think of you. The memories that arise are fond, even though there’s a faint trace of betrayal laced through them. I’m here because of you. This is your fault, Kenny, for not keeping my secret- for breaking our promise- for telling them- I would have gotten through this on my own- You didn’t help me- this wasn’t help for me.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>[Saved Draft] October 11, 2009 </b>
</p><p>I hate you for saving me.<br/>
I hate you for being stronger than me.<br/>
I hate you for being my father’s favorite, the sad little orphan, rising to fame.<br/>
I hate you for taking hockey from me, when it was mine.<br/>
I hate you for saying you love me.<br/>
I hate having to be the one to always make the hard choices.<br/>
I hate that you continue to live without me.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>[Saved draft]  June 12, 2010</b>
</p><p>Kenny- you could have played better in this series. You took stupid risks and don’t think I didn’t know that you were hurt. You always get hurt, when you’re reckless and pick fights with guys twice your size. If you had played better, you would have won. I should have been there. If I was there, we would be holding the cup right now. You’ll always be second best to me, Kenny, and you know it. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>[Saved Draft] June 24, 2010</b>
</p><p>You got what you wanted, Kenny. You’re all my father can talk about. How proud you make him. How special you are for almost winning a Cup and the Caulder in your rookie year. Something I could never do. That I won’t ever do, because nobody is going to want a drug addicted hockey player. You’re why I’m a disappointment to him. You always had to be better than me, always were his favorite, knew the right thing to say. Fuck you, Kenny. You don’t miss me. We never had a “relationship,” you were just an experimental fuck and you weren’t even worth it. </p><p><b>[Message Sent] July 4, 2010</b><br/>
Happy Birthday, Kenny.<br/>
I miss you.<br/>
I didn’t mean what I said. I’m angry at us both. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>[Saved Draft]  October 11, 2010 </b>
</p><p>It’s hard not to forget, when you’re everywhere, the talk of sports casters and hushed conversations between my parents. Ignoring you has been the most difficult part of recovery, but I don’t know how to heal with you. I think that’s the most honest I have ever been, when it comes to you. </p><p>I want to be brave. I want to love, like my parents love, open and unashamed. I can’t have that with you. I can’t be that person for you.  I want hockey more than I want to be with you. Even now. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>[Message Sent] December 31, 2010</b>
</p><p> I still think of you. I want to be brave. I want to love, like my parents love, open and unashamed. I want that. I want that with you. </p><p>I still think about the way your eyes crinkle when you smile at a private joke between the two of us; of your unashamed grins across the ice. </p><p>The warmth of your hand curled around my hip; the comforting weight of your arm around my shoulders; the sweetness of stolen kisses after difficult games; you breathlessly whispering my name- </p><p>I miss you.</p><p>
  <b>[Saved Draft]  January 13,2011</b>
</p><p>How dare you come here, to my safe place. I’m doing well here. I’m finding where I belong. I don’t need your help, your team, or you. </p><p>I don’t know who you are now, or where you’re going or who you’re going to be, but I  don’t like you when you’re with me. You always say you miss me, always beg me to come back to you and I won’t. I won’t be who you want me to be. You are part of my sickness. </p><p>I’m not your family, your savior, you’re anything. Stop coming to see me. Stop offering me prizes, like you owe it to me. </p><p><b>[Message Sent] January 14, 2011<br/>
</b>
I never loved you.<br/>
You didn’t mean anything to me.<br/>
Leave me alone. </p><p><b>[Saved Draft] February 14, 2011<br/>
</b>
I lied. I miss you. I miss us.  I’m sorry. </p><p>
  <b>[Saved Draft] May 30, 2011</b>
</p><p>I spoke to Shitty today; told him about us, sort of. Not that we…. We were that way. He might have guessed, but he was also stoned, but that’s not the point. I don’t know why this is so hard to write- </p><p>He made me watch a clip of an interview you gave about your mom and Mrs. F and your “found family,” and how, uh, me and my parents would always be a part of that. </p><p>I… didn’t know any of that and looking back, I can see that you just wanted somewhere to belong. I should have asked more questions, and maybe things would have been different. Maybe not. It was always easier to blame you… because the alternative was… accepting the worst about myself. I’m not, was not, ready for that.</p><p>But you… you are a part of me, of my life, that I don’t know how to reconcile. </p><p>Maybe one day we will both be better.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It has always bothered me in canon, that Kent was made out to be the guy who just couldn't let go of Jack. While I know that is something that does happen, Jack's throw away line of "we owe each other a lot of apologies" always bothered me. To me, it always seemed like he never took into account his own actions that encouraged some of Kent's behavior. </p><p>If you got to the end, thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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